Blended Families: Finding the Right Recipe
The Intricacies of Blended Family Dynamics
With Thanksgiving in our rear-view mirror and the stress of the holidays ramping up into full swing, I began thinking about how families and holidays share so many similarities. They are obviously connected, as we typically share holidays with family, but there is something more; a similarity in characteristics, attributes, and in particular, stress, that often emanates from expectations or perception. Wanna spice up a holiday? Throw an ex or two in the mix, add in some step-whatever, and make sure you stop by the local drugstore for the biggest bottle of Pepto you can grab.
The Emotional Rollercoaster of Blended Living
Holidays are only a taste of what living in a blended family can feel like. Sometimes it feels like sitting next to the socially awkward black sheep relative for the entire dinner, keeping your fork loaded to avoid as much chit-chat about a subject only they know or care about. Sometimes it feels like sitting at the kitchen table reconnecting with your favorite childhood relative who moved away after school and only makes it back to town every so many years for a holiday. Sometimes it’s both and sometimes in somewhere in between and you don’t know when it’s going to swing to one end of the spectrum or the other, and your spouse is nowhere to be found when you need them the most.
Facing the Challenges of Blended Family Integration
The point is, that blended families are challenging to figure out and difficult to manage how everyone fits together with so many influences and experiences competing for dominance as THE strategy to make it all work. It is like the Thanksgiving dish you were asked to bring. You followed the Julia Child recipe even though you’re more of a Rachel Ray kind of cook (30-minute meals), and the judge of your dish at the head of the table is Gordon Ramsey (insert any intimidating figure here you want…mother-in-law, step-kids mom, the list goes on). At this point, fear kicks in. Did you add enough salt, too much salt, who has high blood pressure and can’t have salt, oh my gosh it’s going to give Grampa Gordon a heart attack!
The Challenges of Blended Families Are Not Insurmountable
And this is what we do when we enter into another’s family. Whether bringing in children of our own or in my case, stepping into a parent’s role when I never sought to have children of my own, we see all the roadblocks to success as if they are unconquerable mountains. The truth is that they aren’t really that different than the challenges that every family faces. The biggest difference is the perception of ownership. Don’t break someone else’s sweet little Suzy. Don’t make Papa Bear mad either, you see where the last mama bear wound up. We hesitate to own the moment so we don’t risk destroying the day.
Expectations and Boundaries: The Core of Blended Family Challenges
The first place we run into this hesitation is with expectations. We think we know what normal expectations might look like then we figure out we know nothing at all in the first crisis of family that comes our way. We quickly realize that our expectations look very different than our spouses, the kids, and even the extended family that we are now immersed in, and it all looks foreign. I grew up as an only child, and that created some specific expectations for what life with my husband should look like. He grew up with a younger sibling and that created a very different expectation of what a wife should look like. Take those different expectations, add in two kids every other weekend and alternate holidays, and what happens? Nobody’s expectations get met. Then frustration and resentment start to creep in because the expectation goes repeatedly unmet, and the demands placed on each other become harder to manage and find common ground.
Navigating Trust and Sacrifice in Blended Families
Distrust and sacrifice are like the seemingly empty compliments for the dish you slaved over for hours after waking up at the crack of dawn to have it ready in time. No matter what they tell you, it doesn’t feel true and they don’t appreciate all that you gave up to pull off making exactly what they asked for. And when it doesn’t feel like it’s true, the questions start to mount and the opportunity for resentment and withdrawal starts to grow. This is an area that I particularly identify with due to many of my life experiences. What is said isn’t always what is meant, and what is shown is often all I trust. So when my son or daughter (yes, I left out the word “step”, more on that in a minute) tell me something and then don’t follow it up with a correlating behavior, it triggers the question, “Do they really mean what they said? It doesn’t look like they do. I bet they don’t. I can’t believe they don’t appreciate all that I do for them and all the work that goes into making them feel like I love them as if they were my own!” See how quickly that happens?
The Fear of Being the Wicked Step-Monster
I’m not saying this is universal to all blended families, but it’s not hard to imagine that this happens more often than people like to admit because they don’t want to be known as the wicked Step-monster that came and invaded their perfect little family. The reality is that we all question our roles in this environment and carry a certain amount of insecurity in those roles until we really learn who everyone else is and they learn who we really are beyond the insecure façade that we live behind to survive the days, weeks, months, or even years that it takes to develop and settle into our roles as this different family than what has been known.
Discovering the Unexpected Blessings of Blended Families
Unexpected blessings are the dessert your favorite grandmother brings out that she made especially for you because she knows it’s your favorite and you are hers. I never really wanted children of my own, I enjoyed the freedom of a life without that specific responsibility and all the fears and challenges that come along with that. I wasn’t totally sure I wanted to be a parent at all if I’m being completely honest. I knew that kids could be fun and they could be demons, and I wasn’t sure I wanted the fun if it meant the demon followed behind and stayed longer than I wanted.
The Joys Far Outweigh the Fears
As the years have gone by, and my relationship with the children has developed, as well as my role with each of them, I feel as though what I feared about having children is much less than the joy that comes when I experience those special moments with them. When my daughter confides in me her worries in fears, knowing that I will listen and hear the meaning of her words, I know I’m blessed to have someone like her who looks to me for guidance and understanding. It fills me with a sense that I am meeting her needs and she truly appreciates that time and devotion to her specifically. When my son is growing into a young man and seeks my approval on how he handles a situation, or how he accomplished something he’s proud of, I share that with him. I see how my influence has become important and impactful to who he is becoming. They aren’t my husband’s children, they aren’t my stepkids, they’re our children and this is my family.
The Journey Toward Harmonious Blended Family Living
The path to ownership isn’t always easy. The on-ramp is scary, the speed is uncontrollable, and the detours seem to be continuous. At first, it seemed like I was in a car with two steering wheels, one for me and one for my husband, neither choosing the same direction as the other except on rare occasions. Over time, however, we’ve both learned that we can steer it together and even take our hands off the wheel from time to time because we know the other has learned that we want to go in the same direction, we’ve learned to trust each other, and we may just have different ways of getting there, and that’s ok too.
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